Discretion

I wish I could speak my mind freely without reservation and explain the intricacy of every matter. But years of professional training have taught me that discretion is necessary for greater good, even at the expense of being misunderstood.

I wish all man are wise enough to see beyond superficiality, to discover the thoughts and considerations behind a decision or action. But man often become foolish and blind once marred by self-interests.

Then it is up to us if we should be aggrieved by the fools.

Time Machine

Been to a pop concert on Saturday evening. Mingling with the youngsters makes me feel old, exponentially.

If I could ask for anything, I would like to have a time machine, to take me back to those days when I was much younger... fearless and free of emotional baggages. It is not that I have a terrible life now that I wish to turn back time. It is merely that being young is so alluring.

A brief moment of folly is insufficient to mask or change reality. It can, however, prompt a course of action that redefines the future. The worst thing that can happen is that I will still be wishing for a time machine in 10 years to take me back to 2010. But I rather be waiting in anticipation for each new day to unfold. Between these, I have a choice.

May 2011 be a year for changes.

2.00AM

凌晨2点，

夜深人静时刻。

肖邦、红酒，

最完美催眠组合。

敌不过月光皎洁，

勾勒出情愁。

七七

七月七号，我喜欢的数字。不是农历七夕，还未到牛郎织女相见的日子。

暂别了乌云密布的天气，今晚夜空星光闪烁。也许你没来得及看见，也未曾想起那一年我们一起搭过帐篷，然后沉默不语，静坐在草场上凝视满载星辉的一片天空。

我怀念那一份感觉，虽然早已忘了你的名字。

Grieving

It is the capricious nature of life that taught me the hardest lessons. Yet after all the years, I am not quite immune to sad events. I have felt an immense sense of loss following the demise of my dear friend's father. That it should happen so abruptly and at the most unexpected time makes it harder to bear.

Not so long ago, I watched the quiet gentleman in deep slumber at the hospital. There was nothing unusual about him on that day, and in fact on all other days when I visited. It was hence easy for me to imagine that he had merely wandered off to dreamland and will some day return. I prayed silently for a miracle each time I stood by his bed. Without contesting where the allegiance of my faith lies, I now know how much my prayers are worth. Close to bankruptcy I guess, for they were rarely answered. On the presumption that prayers would work, I spoke comforting words to my friend but now they only seem just too careless.

Perhaps I need not grief over the inevitable ending of all living beings. But it maybe an inborn tendency in humans to grief over the burden which we all have to carry throughout this journey. I am devoid of means to make things easier for my friend and on myself but I hope this will serve as a closure at least, to that irrevocable sense of loss in me.

Dreams

Dreams, a single syllable word with a myriad of meanings. It is impossible to restrict the definition of "dreams" to just one for they manifest into innumerable forms. Dreams... may be tall and may be humble; some are mercenary, some meritorious. If there are those who seek to possess, there will be others who choose detachment. Dreams are vivid, dreams are dull, dreams are enigmatic by nature.

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Your vote of faith

At times I may be incongruent,
At times I seem confused;
But I am just being ordinary...
To feel scare and uncertain.

Be a little patient with me,
For I need you to set me off flying.
I might not reach the moon,
But only the sky is the limit.

Back my confidence up and let it soar,
Higher than the snow-capped mountain peak.
Make me strong and unafraid,
Kindly with your vote of faith.

Mt Everest

Fabulously 2010

How amazing another year has passed!

Exactly a year ago, a friend asked me how I would spend my new year eve. At that time I was feeling rather miserable and so, being cynical, I said I would sleep over it and hoped to wake up to a better world.

So it did! 2009 has been a good year. Although the great amount of pitera did help rebuilt my confidence, I attribute most credits to people around me who have made each day of my life special and meaningful; my tutee at the family centre, the children in Africa, my friends who constantly bring me laughters, my family who is ever so accepting.

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怀旧

我承认，我是一个喜欢怀旧的人。经常会因为想起一些陈年往事而情绪受波动。可恶的是，随着年龄增长，记忆力越来越差，时间太久远的人和事已经忘去了一大半。

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Viva la liberté!

In the name of freedom,
We sent young men to their graves;
We buried their souls if not their bodies,
Kept the names but not the memories.
What does it matter though?
When we have new to replace the old.

In the name of justice,
We let bullets and shells fly;
Murdered innocence settled beneath dust,
Blood flowed like an endless spring.
And then be awarded a prize for peace;
What was that Nobel had in mind?
Perhaps the smell of antiseptic was intoxicating.

May we all live on long enough to see,
A justification or the hollow truth of it.
Viva la liberté!

败了

有时候我也会被打败。
一个手掌抓不住想要珍惜的；
从我指缝间流逝的何止有无邪、青春、爱情。。。
反正我守不住的岂止一两样而已。

每一个人都有必须前往的目的地。
也许路途太漫长，
肩膀上负荷不了的就一点一滴的抛弃。
然后呢？
勉强走到了终点，我已经不再是我。
那又有什么关系？

说梦想的人是在放屁；
面对现实才是真理。
叫我声“弱者”，
我甘心。

没有月亮的中秋节

这是个适合孤独的晚上。
人月两团圆，落单的身影更容易让人遗忘。
寂寞也比平常强烈十倍。
喜欢的人能尽情享受彻底的孤独；
不喜欢的人却会因此变得凄凉。

可惜今晚没有月光，乌云覆盖了整片天空。
本来美好的月圆夜，现在只看见月的残缺。
那仿佛是老天爷在哀悼人类的悲惨。
他叹息着说，今晚，有太多的人回不了家。

有些人深陷地低下，等待神赐于他们生存的机会；
有些人徘徊在陆地上，喝着毒药将自己毁灭。
远方，厌倦了繁华的人，要世界将他淡忘；
他说，会抛弃一切开始流浪。
远方，有活在敌人枪口下的年轻士兵，
手握着报纸向全世界证明自己还存在着；
他说，好想回家但始终无法如愿以偿。

这么看来，世上没有绝对的快乐或悲伤，
聚散离合也没有固定的意义。
人类那样的矛盾造成了悲惨。
所以今晚很适合孤独，
因为中秋节没有月亮，
连老天也在为我们悲伤。

掩饰

掩饰是人与生俱来的天赋，
还是经岁月累积的成就？
每一个成年人似乎都能将它发挥得淋漓尽致。

掩饰不见得是谎言，
倒像是人们严格遵从的一种纪律。
在适当的时候做适当的事，
在不适当的时候不做不适当的事，
真正的想法若有偏差就加以掩饰。
我们必须服从这样的规则，
才可以被这样的世界接受。

然而，当感情无法明明白白释放出来，
又无法完全舍弃的时候，
好多的，压抑着的，
只好让它们慢慢死亡。
心中逐渐堆满了埋葬千万种死去感情的坟墓。

所以不要再劝谁或谁要更冷静了。
因为最冷静的那个就拥有最多的掩饰。
然后那个冷静的谁变冷漠了，
你又无法了解他为什么总是无动于衷了。

Unlikely coincidence

I have always thought that life is a miracle. Some unique DNA hidden inside trillions of cells, a seemingly ordinary body made up of flesh and blood, resulting in a living organism so complex as the human beings.

Fate is probably the only thing more inconceivable than life itself. Consider the odds of 2 people meeting at a precise place and time amongst 6 billion others. If this is not a miracle, I cannot think of how else to explain it.

I have probably been watching too many drama series lately, so pardon me if I have to get to my point in this manner. A common theme prevails in all of them: whether or not to pursue a relationship that will not blossom. In one, he had cancer. In another, it was extra marital affairs. Finally, there was a relationship that developed from misunderstandings. 2 out of the 3 have good endings. It seems nonsensical to try to reason story lines of drama series but they are intriguing enough to set me thinking about how we handle our relationships in real life.

Why do people conclude that relationships will not blossom before they even began? I guess it is because we are sub-consciously calculating the risks and rewards when engaging with another person. I remember that in our younger days, developing a relationship (of any kind) was much easier. Perhaps, our minds were purer and we knew less of malice. We opened our hearts freely, but not so anymore. As we grew up, everything became tainted. Now we know all about rejections and fear of being hurt. I do not know why we become irresponsible towards relationships, how we have learnt to be insincere and worst of all, let ourselves harbour ill intentions against another. Gradually, we have no choice but to close our hearts and skepticism looms around every possible relationship instead… at least until we are fully convinced. But who knows how long that will take.

It is a real pity to rule out possibilities between people because of their preconceptions. Not forgetting what an unlikely coincidence it is for 2 people to cross paths, I feel that such opportunities should never be wasted. How I wished people could be truthful in exchanging their feelings, be brave to take the first steps, be able to see through deceptions, be spared of any negative consequences from being true to their hearts. Let there be no more second guessings... but in the end, we cannot fight reality, can we? So, do we continue to accept missed opportunities and live with regrets? It is your call really.

进退两难

难题。。。
下班前半小时，听到了不好的消息。一个棘手的任务落到了我头上。


疑惑。。。
直觉告诉我，空穴来风，未必无因。但是，就凭“感觉”完全经不起考验。


郁闷。。。
想找个人诉苦，却没有人在线上。又想不到好的理由为了这样芝麻绿豆的小事打电话给人家去说。


扫兴。。。
想到外面的交通比现在心情更阻塞，回家的兴致彻底的没有了。

Pursuit

Someone said to me that I seem to have become wealthier. Have an apartment, own a car (ignoring the liabilities for a moment) and get to travel from time to time. It is true that I do feel weathly. Not so much because of the material items that I own but the opportunity and freedom to do all the things that I like. Perhaps having a decent job and stable income have a big part to play in this, but most importantly, it is having the right mindset and determination that allows me to live life exactly the way I wanted to.

Pursuing dreams is part an parcel of building worth in one's life and living it meaningfully. Although we each dream a different dream, they involve sacrifices all the same. I am lucky to have family and friends, and maybe even circumstances that are supportive of my pursuits. Therefore, I will not stand in the way of others who want to pursue dreams of their own.

As a result, I am now all alone in this house. Loneliness is not new to me and it is something I can endure. Material possessions may be hard to let go and family ties are just as important. But a dream come true is the priceless gift for those who are brave enough make sacrifices and take up new adventures.

So, good luck to the one on his way to the land of the rising sun!

Older and Wiser

They say that becoming 1 year older means being wiser. That's why my colleagues gave me a "high key" celebration, singing the birthday song loud and clear... twice in fact. I'd wish to believe that growing older is indeed such a good thing, but everytime I feel the backaches... I could hardly be convinced.



At this age, there is nothing so exciting about birthdays. It is even a little dreadful. I received my first birthday greeting on 1 Jun from some vendors. One whole month of celebration seemed great! Not exactly. It also prolonged my anxiety, as if a clock is ticking each day, towards the day that I would aged. Imagine that feeling I felt for a month.

I woke up this morning, determined that it has to get on like any normal day. But how could it ever be? I am touched by the many people who put in so much thoughts and preparation in advance to make sure that I would have a good day.

Nevertheless, I am glad it's over. Just thankful that I have had another good year.


My birthday cake, with faces of my precious all over.


Someone just can't wait.


Face smudged with cream.

By the way, how old am I? Count the number of candles on the cake hehe...

在我还未失去知觉，在世界遗忘我之前。。。

今天打开电脑，全都是Michael Jackson逝世的消息。就连母亲晚上见到我，第一件事也提到了MJ.

唱片总销售量超过7.5亿张，成就决不是盖的。MJ独创的moonwalk曾经风靡全球，赢得少男少女们的崇拜，我还印象深刻。是一代巨星，也是一个话题人物，除了他的成就以外，MJ总是绯闻缠身。从早期人们对他整形的事议论纷纷，到后来虐童、性骚扰的指控。。。究竟他是成功还是失败，我没资格评论。不过肯定的是，所有的纷纷扰扰、指责批评不会因为他去世而停止。这样也好，就算他仅仅50岁就离开了，也能永远活在人们的心里。

如果可以选择，你会想要像MJ一样轰轰烈烈活一次哪怕短暂的人生，还是像大多数人那样细水长流过完平平淡淡的一生？我想，生命不在乎长短，只在乎有没有意义。可惜，我不仅无法掌控我生命的长短，就连怎样才能活得精彩，有意义，我仍然在摸索着。

对于生命的无常我十分感触。早早计划好的退休生活，60岁后希望还有力气出席摇滚演唱会，老了想再次重游欧洲的心愿。。。这些在将来不一定有机会实现。活着，不是必然的。生命中唯一的绝对只有死亡。

最近，有位算命师傅说我长得一幅短命像。其实之前，已经有另一位师傅忠告我将在60几时遇上大劫。真的，我并没有很介意。反而，他们提醒了我不应该再浪费时间。在未来的几十年，我可以做到轰轰烈烈，但不一定是震撼全世界，只要让自己快乐，让身旁的人快乐。这是生命的最基本。也许，要更努力积极，对别人更加宽容，不拖延，不迟疑，甚至学习为他人而活着才能达到这个目标。

在我还未失去知觉，在世界遗忘我之前，要做的事太多，太多。

Updating contact list

I have a new sleek looking mobile handset. By the sale person's standard, it is not a very saleable model and has been launched for over a year now. Doesn't matter to me anyway, I am out of fashion most of the time.

Each time I have a new phone, my contact list will be shortened. It is usually then that I will do a housekeeping of my phone book. There are those who have been deleted because we are no longer in contact; some whom I wondered why I had their numbers in the first place. Others, I just couldn't wait to get them off the memory... in fact, I wished our paths have never crossed.

There are a couple of numbers I have not used since 1999. Nevertheless, I kept them, with hopes that one day I will see those numbers flashing on my screen once more. Another one I tried calling the other day but was reciprocated with an automated message that the number I have dialed is incorrect. I left it as it is, perhaps of nostalgia or maybe I just cannot imagine not having this name listed in my phone book.

The funny thing about technology is that it brings us advancement but at the same time deterrioration. Once upon a time, I could remember the phone numbers of all my friends but these days, I could even forget my home number. With all the gadgets and platforms that are now available, we are more accessible to one another but then it seems like we have become more distant. It is strange that people could talk like old friends but never know how each other looked or sounded like. Such "virtual relationship" is very hard to define and may even be a little bizarre to imagine it could be satisfying.

I still believe that some things are best done in the old fashioned way. Like a firm handshake, a voice saying "hello" or a giggle and a big broad smile... they are irreplaceable, not even with fancy animated emoticons.

Coping with changes

I have not been feeling that great lately, trying to cope with all the changes that have been taking place, at the same time when my chronic headaches are driving me insane. They are synchronous with my heartbeat, though subtle but an unpleasant tempo, which never seem to end.

After 5 weeks, I have finally settled into my new routine of being teacher on Tuesdays, and student on Wednesdays. For a while I was thinking, have I over-committed myself? Was I realistic about how I could cope with multiple tasks at one time? Later I realised those were "transition anxieties".

Being teacher. It was not altruism that I signed up as tutor at a family centre, but was largely driven by the need to feel useful and find more productive use for my spare time. When I was asked if I could tutor an O level student in Mathematics, I was... apprehensive. The cover of the textbook was black; that was as much as I could remember about secondary school Mathematics. I told my friends that if I were to turn down the assignment, it would be admitting defeat and that would be a blow to my self-confidence. Thus, I let the conceited and unyielding me took over, and I said "Yes" to the task. What I could do well at 16, I was sure I could do it much better now. So I thought.

The first time I read a Mathematic assessment book after almost 2 decades, it was like reading Greek. I was, however, filled with certain admiration and respect for myself to have overcome these "problems" once when I was a teenager. Even so, to pick up from where I have left off the last time was not easy. There was a lot of inertia in the beginning and as I was practising the sums and reviewing solutions, I had constantly doubted if my decision was correct.

Now that things have fallen into place nicely and I have also got up to speed practising Mathematics, it did not seem like an impossible task. True enough, it feels good be useful and the sense of achievement from solving complicated algebra is immense. Above all, it is the unexpected gift of friendship that renders true meaning to what I am doing. Friendship. What could a pair of 20 and 30 year olds have in common, you may think? Yet, there have been moments when I was truly moved and tickled by the naiveness of this young lady.

A youth is like a piece of red hot metal, so versatile and filled with energy. If it is bent and mould into the right shape and form, it can become something strong and beautiful. I feel the same for this young lady whom I am tutoring. Although she may not be the brightest, she has sufficient abilities to achieve what she set out for herself. Polytechnic is where she would like to go after this and I am sure this decision of hers would transform her life. I am glad to be part of this "moulding and shaping" process and I just hope we both will bring out the best in each other. We can achieve something good from now until December.